This essay was a hard one to start. It’s the week 2 assignment from A Year of Writing to Uncover the Authentic Self1. I wrote the week 1 essay assignment, Roadblocks, in mid-October but didn’t post it until mid-November. Now, here it is December! It’s only taken me SIX weeks to get around to actually writing the “week 2” essay. 😜
Biggest “roadblock” for this essay, I suppose, is that I’m not working. More, I don’t want to work. I have a violent aversion to the idea of returning to a work-a-day life. Still…
I need some purpose, something to do everyday. Some structure and accountability. That’s kind of why I’m writing these essays, right? To discover what will help me be productive, active, and satisfied in my retirement. This assignment might have some merit after all.
The aim, I believe, is to reveal the “control [we have] over how we experience our work life.”
I spent most of my working life feeling like I was at the mercy of my employer and my colleagues. I experienced all the usual “dramas” of working. Prestige hungry managers, absent managers, jealous co-workers, manipulative co-workers, insane workloads, lack of recognition, and more. I can’t recall ever having a job I enjoyed. There were, of course, some times of satisfaction and challenge. I really loved my trade school education (begun and completed in my mid and late 30s) and my entry into a “real” career—as opposed to just a job. Ultimately, however, I was ONLY ever there because it paid the bills.
My social anxiety and lack of emotional intelligence always limited what opportunities I was willing to pursue. I turned down jobs in management, adult education, prestigious project management opportunities. All because I didn’t have the confidence in my own performance, experience, and skill set, even though my managers and the recruiters obviously did.
I have to keep reminding myself, that’s all ancient history. I’m irrefutably a more confident and assertive person now. Too, there’s something about becoming a senior citizen where you just don’t give a damn about much of that stuff anymore. I’ve found my 60s very liberating! LOL
Six weeks ago, I did actually work through the Work assignment’s questions and prompts in preparation of writing this essay. It began with listing all my past jobs and a few remembrances about each. I dutifully listed all of them, even back to my teen years washing windows with vinegar and newspaper for our rich neighbors on the lake. This was how I paid for gas and brake fluid for the chopped down Datsun station wagon I taught all my cousins how to drive “stick” on. (But that’s another story. Hmmm, does that qualify as a job? 😉)
The prompt asked for “funny, horrifying, or heartwarming moments” about each. I think the aim of this one was to help in the realization it wasn’t all bad. However I’m not sure I did that one right, since I didn’t recall anything except perhaps “horrifying.”
Am I currently fulfilled in my work? What was my best job and why? Worst job? Why did I take it?
The prompt about work values got some “skin in the game” for me. What brought me emotional fulfillment? What were the external things I valued—salary, security, work/life balance?
My list looks like this:
- Operational improvement/optimization
- Training and mentoring junior staff
- Good working relationships with counterparts/clients.
- Recognition of good work performance by clients
I can see a version of any or all of these guiding and driving my “dream job” in my retirement.
If I enter into the Health and Fitness industry as a trainer, coach, semi-professional senior athlete and “influencer,” the list transforms into:
- Operational optimization of intake forms, educational, and informational distributions
- Training and mentoring fellow health and fitness enthusiasts (aka clients)
- Good working relationships with counterparts and community members (I’m specifically thinking of the ultra/endurance athlete communities)
- Recognition by way of word and invitations to speak and conduct presentations applicable to my niche
What is my dream job? That was actually the very next prompt. I wrote “I don’t know and have never been able to figure it out.” Ha! I think I may have failed at that one too. Imagination didn’t kick in at that time. As happened before, though, the act of writing this essay is helping to spark it.
Health and fitness is my passion these days and has been since I began my own health and weight loss journey at 50. (My motto at the time was, “Now or never!”) I actually certified as a personal trainer in 2015 and re-certified in 2017. Timing wasn’t right for me, though. Injuries, societal polarization, life and relationship changes, all conspired to trigger a deep depression I was years getting up from. Truthfully, my current issues are lingering after-effects from those years.
Add impostor syndrome into the mix and it was a given that I wouldn’t pursue that dream to fruition, despite having job offers. One of those came from the owners of the gym where I did my internship. They knew my capabilities. I, obviously, didn’t trust in myself or in their belief in me.
This assignment ends with prompts to consider my work choice as “a calling instead of a grind.” Are internal values more or less important to me? Do I feel a need to change my career or vocation?
That last one is easy. It’s why I’m here, writing this essay, completing this assignment.
Hmmm. Having completed this essay, my mind feels different about the issue. I don’t feel the ambiguity now when considering my future. It feels like the decision’s been made.
I’m going to become a trainer and coach. I’ll dust off my athleticism, whether as a semi-pro or no. I don’t know what it’s all going to look like along the way, but I definitely know where and how to start.
Damn! Why did it take me a month and a half to finish this assignment? 😀
