Originally written the second week in October 2024.
AKA “Faceplant,” as my therapist and I affectionately refer to my most recent crash into depression.
It’s almost a literal description. I’m face down in my bed (belly sleeper) more hours of the day than I’m up. So much so, my father is concerned enough to take steps to reduce the noise level in the house (he refuses to wear his hearing aids and the TV is always on) as well as his choice of TV programs (red vs blue, anyone?), in an attempt to entice me out of my room. He’s even suggested a road trip!
People, if you don’t know my father in his current “grumpy 92-year old man” personae… Well, it’s all about him because he’s lived so long it should all be about him! This is HUGE. I took notice and curbed my own impatience, making a greater effort to get out and be seen.
I’m still spending the majority of my day in my usual avoidance behaviors—TV, audiobooks, game apps. However, I’ve spent a day every three or so at my computer. Some of it writing! That is progress, if only a teensy bit.
Almost every day, I’m mentally reviewing hobbies, projects, and various interests trying to find something (anything!) sparking even the least little inclination to try.
50K training, family photo archival, cat tree refurbishment, meal-prepping, camping, socializing…nothing…until I hit on on-line courses. That one sparked!
Study. In addition to the personal trainer and nutrition certification courses still pending completion, I have courses on Udemy covering topics from languages and web publishing to photo manipulation and personal development. Exercise and nutrition science classes on Coursera. Two others, as random as it might seem, on DailyOm, a wellness website using holistic training and resources.
These two are the oldest still uncompleted—unstarted, actually, purchased in Jun 2021. Coincidentally, they also sparked the most interest. One focuses on self-sabotaging behaviors (ding, ding, ding!). The other on weekly writing assignments to “uncover the authentic self.”
Discovering my “authentic self” sounds like a fit for the “living with intention” life-plan project I’ve been piddling with since July (when I first noticed my motivation and activation faltering). I thought a personal development course I purchased on Udemy was going to guide me through the process, but it’s not what I was expecting. It seems more focused on quick, creativity projects: work-complete-market then rinse and repeat until I find a “winner.” Not helpful when I have no creativity sparking at the moment.
I decided on giving “uncovering my authentic self” a try and Roadblocks is the first weekly essay assignment from this DailyOM course. It asks, “What obstacles are standing in [my] way?”
Initially it seemed my thinking was too broad. Depression, lack of motivation, lack of money, anxieties (plural!). Depression seemed the most glaring with the biggest need of addressing. Very broad topic, though, and so many factors contributing to it. How do you chip away at that?
However, the further I went into the questions and the more deeply I considered each one, the more convinced I became it is a different obstacle that is the more “workable” problem: a lack of self-activation.
It’s what is ultimately keeping me from making any progress or change. Yes, there’s a lot of contributing factors and influences. But bottom line, I can’t get myself to do anything.
Oh, I have “good days” where I get an unexpected burst of energy resulting in a day of successful productivity. They’re one-offs, though, lacking the consistency needed for success with anything greater than finishing a single task. Grateful as I am that I have any good days, I recognize it’s not enough to equal positive change. I need to complete many, many single tasks to accomplish my larger goals, and that ain’t happening.
It’s hard to counter the cumulative debilitating combination of lack of motivation, low energy, low interest, avoidance, isolation, and the myriad of other depression symptoms. Imagine my surprise (and hopefulness) to find this “roadblocks” exercise and its helpful questions prompting a change in perspective.
“Can you re-frame the most pressing current obstacle as simply a to-do list” in order to overcome it?
“Just do it1” is an obvious answer.
Make myself do something everyday whether I feel motivated or not. Self-discipline. Will-power.
That doesn’t really overcome the lack of motivation underlying the lack of self-activation, though. And we all know how well I do at self-discipline. Not a great potential for success with that one. No. I need to be creative with my “to-dos.”
Here’s what I came up with:
- brainstorm simple, doable tasks (to build framework of daily self-activation)
- determine most critical habits (what needs doing first)
- daily gratitude journal (to note and provide positive feedback2)
- learn what truly motivates me (self-exploration)
- daily self-exploration (“Morning Pages3”)
- “2-Minute Rule4” (at least show up)
- control depression (through added self-care practices)
Granted, it’s a work in progress and some of the “to-dos” are too broad to be simple tasks. Yet, I wanted to capture them so I could break them down further as well as make sure they were prioritized in my process. (Controlling depression, for example, means taking my medicine everyday—something I struggle with when I can barely get myself out of bed.)
Another helpful inquiry explores the “longest-running obstacle in [my] life?” What I’ve done toward overcoming it? Was I successful? Why or why not?
Biggest, longest-running roadblock in my life? That’s easy. Anxiety. Specifically, social anxiety.
It kept me from friendships, education, careers, adventures, relationships, and held me trapped in contentious, unhappy, unfulfilling circumstances for years at a time. Desperation, at levels way more intense than the fear, was normally what “motivated” me to make a needed change. Not a healthy motivator, by any means.
I’ve probably written this before, but I was in my late 30s before I even knew my severe shyness was a mental disorder and that there were treatments for it. It wasn’t until my 40s that I actually sought professional treatment for my symptoms. In the ensuing 20 years of breakthroughs and recovery, I’ve learned that on-going treatment is key to continued growth and wellness.
What does that say for overcoming the lack of self-activation? That it needs to be an ongoing and persistent effort in order to see results. True of any endeavor to improve, right? Practice makes perfect?
It’s worth noting, my decision to begin the year of writing and the clarity it is bringing to my current “roadblock” comes at the exact time I’m struggling with depression again. It feels as though things are falling into place and I’m digging myself out a little at a time. Yes, progress. I’m hopeful I can start coming up with some answers to my questions.
What am I doing? What do I want? What makes me happy? What do I need? Where am I going? How do I get there?
- A famous Nike® slogan from the late 1980s. I picked this NPR article relating the passing of the slogan’s creator, Dan Wieden, because it has links to the very first Just Do It commercial as well as reference to the macabre inspiration behind the slogan. ↩︎
- I found this article from Harvard Business Review helpful in underscoring the deliberate effort it takes to note and recall positive feedback. ↩︎
- A tool from the popular book and 12-week creativity program, The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. ↩︎
- From James Clear’s book Atomic Habits, which I wrote about earlier this year. ↩︎
