I started out with the intention of providing an update related to my recent DXA scan. Then I got to wondering…
Did I get a DXA at my lowest weight last year? When did I start regaining weight? How active was I? Was I still taking Mounjaro®?
Inquiring minds, right? Plus, I love poking around at the data because I’m my own science project?
The answer to the first question is “No.” No DXA scan at my lowest body weight in almost 10 years and I think I know why.
The results of my July 2023 scan freaked me out a bit. While I was another 7.2 lbs lighter, I was actually 2.2 lbs (2.7%) fatter! (By the way, this is a perfect example of why knowing your body composition is so important if you’re really serious about creating a healthier, fitter body versus simply a lighter one.)
That’s right. 7.2 lbs lighter, but 2.7% fatter.
Most of my weight lost was in lean mass, 9.5 lbs in fact. Loss of lean mass is unavoidable when losing weight, but everyone will agree the goal of weight loss is to lose fat, not simply weight. Oh, you may have to lead them through the whole lean mass vs fat mass vs total body mass clarification (thanks to our diet and weight loss cult-ure). However, once clarified, they’ll definitely agree, we don’t want to be gaining fat mass while we’re losing body mass.
In January 2024, I was down another 18 lbs. If you read my Palo Duro “non-race” race report, you know I was struggling to eat enough to support what little training I was doing. It’s fair to say I wasn’t doing a damn thing to try to hold on to lean mass while I was dropping weight through semi-starvation. I wasn’t strength training—I could barely get through my training runs without bonking. I wasn’t increasing my protein intake because I wasn’t eating.
When I did eat, I ate whatever I wanted, in whatever quantity I wanted. Granted, it was never much (thanks to the Mounjaro®), but it usually wasn’t anything that could be considered “good nutrition.” Whatever was on hand or most convenient in those rare moments when I was actually hungry, that’s what I ate. For me, “convenient” almost never equals “healthy.” So…I “knew” what a DXA scan would have looked like in January and I definitely didn’t want to know it.
I let my old diet cult-ure mentality rule my emotions. I stayed blissfully satisfied with the weight loss alone. “Yay! Back to my lightest adult weight!!!” Without the scan, I didn’t have to acknowledge (or even know!) I was actually “fatter.” I let my inner fat girl rejoice in the success of a smaller number on the scale.
Now, here’s a real head-scratcher for you, though.
Why was my emotional response to my recent scan happiness and relief? In spite of a 5.2 lb weight gain? (23 lb, if I factor in my weight from January?) I mean, shouldn’t my inner fat girl be devastated by this?
Why indeed. I just realized, I’ve actually shed most of my diet cult-ure conditioning!
Oh, I still can’t help feeling good if my body weight is trending down. However, I don’t feel like a failure when it’s trending up again either.
As I write, my weight is up a solid 10 lbs from what it was 3 weeks ago. I don’t really give too much attention to a gain of 10 lbs or less unless it’s persistent for about a week—and this one is. (No surprise. I’ve been bingeing on sugar since I got back from Austin. No doubt treating unrealized depression/anxiety symptoms with my medication of choice—food.) However, I’m not reacting negatively to gaining 10 lbs. Wow.
I mean, WOW!
When did this happen? My unconscious core beliefs around body weight have changed. I don’t have that involuntary emotional response to the number on the scales. It really is just a number on the scales. Huh. I wasn’t expecting this revelation when I sat down to write.
It seems my inner senior athlete is going to be able to take her rightful place in my psyche. She’s wise to all the myths and messaging around body weight. She understands that all the pieces and influences coming together in a human body to create the number that shows up on the scales is complicated as f**k. She knows life is hard. Sometimes self-soothing with the “dopamine ‘hits’ from eating sugar” is the only thing to get a mind through. But, as long as she’s still breathing, every breath provides a new opportunity to change, grow, learn—do life, even when it’s hard.
