It’s OK. Go ahead and roll your eyes as you read through this post. Really. Even I can’t help grinning stupidly at the audacity of it. Go big or go home, as the saying goes. I’m at home, but going big while I’m here.
I did wonder if it was helpful or harmful to have a big, “pie-in-the-sky” dream. One that is, as likely as not, to be unattainable. When I did a bit of research on the matter, I found it is a good thing overall. It is your actions–positive changes in behavior, focus, goal setting, step-by-step success–in pursuit of that dream which is so beneficial to our lives, whether the dream is ultimately attainable or not.
“Dreams are extremely important. You can’t do it unless you imagine it.” <mic drop> This quote from George Lucas says it all.
Back in 2015, I was at the height of my trail running endeavors. It was the first year I became the XTERRA Regional Champion in my age group, then 50-59. (What a surprise that was! But a story for another time.) In late summer a news story reporting an extraordinary trail running feat caught my attention.
Gunhild Swanson, at age 70, became the oldest female finisher of the Western States Endurance Run (WSER)–with only 6 seconds left on the 30 hour clock! My immediate reaction was, “I want to do that when I grow up!”
Doing a bit of research for this post, I learned her finish was even more impressive. She ran the last 1.3 miles of that 100.2 mile mountain race in around 16 minutes. If you do the math, her average pace for the first 98.9 miles had been approximately 18:02 minutes per mile. At mile 100, and 29+ hours of continuous effort, she was able to push herself to a faster pace to beat the clock. What an amazing finish!
For more information about the oldest 100-mile endurance run in the world, go to wser.org. Later this spring I’ll write a book review on Second Sunrise: Five Decades of History at the Western States Endurance Run, by John Trent. It’s a coffee table book recounting the history of WSER with 175 photos. Looks very promising. I’ll provide more details about the race there.
Anyway…that’s where this dream started.
2015 was also the year I began suffering a series of injuries which limited my ability to train–both my running and endurance training as well as my strength and conditioning (AKA power lifting). Tacked on to the end of that came 2016 and the extreme polarization of our society around the 2016 presidential election. Relationships between family and friends changed, as often as not becoming fragile and difficult if on opposing sides of the issues. Add in a high stress job where a trusted colleague suddenly becomes hostile and begins a campaign of “simple sabotage,” it all triggered one of the longest periods of depression I’ve had.
Pandemic, civil unrest, mother with a terminal illness, relocation, employer provided mediation with my asshole colleague, isolation, and loss of social access to like-minded friends–it was a lot. My “dreaming” was limited to small, relatively short-term goals, although very meaningful to me. Train for a challenging race. Renew my personal trainer certification. Digitize and restore old family photos. My efforts in pursuit of these dreams came in fits and starts and only the smallest, least challenging were ever fully achieved.
It wasn’t until 2022 that I started seeing the top of the hole I’d fallen (crawled?) into. I was turning 60 that year and wanted a big physical achievement in recognition of it. I wanted “physical” rather than a once-in-a-lifetime trip to <insert exotic location here>, because I have been growing more and more uncertain in the physical abilities of my body. I’ve always been confident and self-assured in the strength and solidity of my body. However, not so much now, as I move through my 6th decade. I want that confidence and assurance back. I’m a trail runner, so what physical achievement did I pick?
A marathon wasn’t enough, although there are plenty of trail marathons to choose from. The longest distance I’ve completed to date is a little over 19 miles (30K). The physical feat also had to be SCB worthy. That is: I am STUPID enough to say “Yes” to it. CRAZY enough to go through with it. And BADASS enough to finish it. This is an “affectionate” description my friend and I gave to ourselves when we participated in that 30K at age 57–with only two 10-mile runs by way of training before. Hence, a little stupid, crazy, and badass. 🙂 (By the way, Karen is an accomplished Badass. A trained endurance athlete. A triathlete who has finished many IronMan events. I’m not in her class, but I do aspire to be.) So…
It had to be an ultra-marathon. Completing marathons is common enough. Ultra-marathons, beginning with the 50K (31.1 miles), are not so common among the 60+ crowd.
Guess I was dreaming pretty big in 2022, also. If you’ve been following my posts, you know I didn’t pull that one off for my 60th. Still, I haven’t given it up. My latest 50K target race is scheduled for September this year, only a handful of days after I turn 62.
It’s been a slow and steady climb out of that depressive hole, 7-8 years. At this point, however, I feel I’ve pulled myself out of it. (Thanks to the right mix of medications and therapy, just so you’re clear. This wasn’t something I could do on my own–other than seeking the medical assistance. This is the case for many who struggle with this issue. It makes the negative stigma attached to mental illnesses all the more tragic and unacceptable.) I’m still struggling to recover the attitudes and lifestyle habits that kept me happily satisfied and successful during the early 2010s.
It was during those years, I discovered a passion for all thing fitness. My lifestyle and environment(s) were a lot different then. I was in an area of diverse opportunity with the income to pursue my interests. Now, in the 2020s, I don’t have that access nor the finances for the things that would make reaching my dream easier. It’s only this past year I’ve been able to make peace with most of these changes and begin planning a future from where I am now, not where I expected to be if my life hadn’t turned upside down.
One of the biggest, and life altering changes, has been retirement. (How much of our identity is tied up in our job and the lifestyle supporting it?) Retirement, while not planned, was necessary in order to have the flexibility to provide 24×7 in-home care for Mom. When Mom passed in December 2021, I stayed here as Dad’s “house guest” so he wasn’t here by himself. And if I’m being totally honest and transparent, once I experienced the freedom from the workaday world, I never want to go back to a “need-it-to-pay-my-bills” job again. But…
Without the day to day responsibilities, with all its varied work tasks, skills, interactions, deadlines, etc., I find I’ve lost my ability to focus. Or lost much of myself, without the identity of a professional career in Austin. I’m having to reinvent myself, I suppose, and it hasn’t been going well. My days don’t usually start with a plan, and a plan may or may not develop throughout the day. Rather, any given day moves forward based on what I feel like doing from minute to minute. THAT does not a productive day make. Nor does it do anything to promote building a positive self-identity. No direction at all.
Several of my friends, whether addressing my complaints about reduced income, lack of motivation and focus, or simple inactivity, have suggested I need to go back to work. One of the most compelling reasons is to have something I am responsible for. Something I have to focus on, to work on and complete. Something I have deadlines for. This became a supporting layer of my big dream.
The fitness and health industry is where my primary interests lie, and have lain since 2010. As I found myself approaching the half-century mark, I was 48 at the time, I decided it was “now or never” to see if I could lose weight and get “healthy”. (I had been “morbidly obese,” at 250-260 lbs., for years by that time.) I’ve learned a lot in the ensuing ~14 years. I’ve found I love sharing what I’ve learned through research, education, and personal experience. I love educating people about the falsehoods and deceptive marketing in the diet culture and food labeling. Advocating against weight bias and for inclusivity. Taking up my space in the arena. Showing by doing that it’s possible at any size, any fitness level, any age. It’s never, ever, too late. The thing which now drives all of this passion is trail running. Trail running is what keeps me coming back again and again and again to getting and staying fit. (I have a personal moto: Quit Trying = Failure.)
I love everything about trail running. The outdoors, the trails, the challenges, the diversity of people and environments, the events, the travel to venues, the weather–good and bad–my tribe… Which in the past might have been where I inserted “the training,” but that’s not often the case these days with my lack of immediate access to my tribe. I find it extremely difficult to train alone and I haven’t yet found that community in this area.
My dilemma: I want to finish my first ultra marathon within the year. I want to run the WSER in 10 years–at the age of 72–to become the oldest (and fastest?) 70+ female finisher. To accomplish these goals, I have to do the training and do it consistently. I have to have the nutrition dialed in. Total body strength and conditioning is critical, particularly core strength to aid in preventing falls (by the way, that’s true for anyone). This takes it own amount of time and training. Obviously, putting it all together, achieving these goals will take time. A lot of time.
Solution: Accept the title of Senior Female Endurance Athlete as my job.
What do professional athletes do? They spend a lot of their time training their bodies to excel in their sport. There’s also a lot of other skills and work involved, particularly if they’re not an elite athlete with a big sponsor and support team. Research and development for nutrition and training plans (e.g. “My body is a science project.”), networking, business planning, tracking expenses–and income if they’re lucky enough to get even minimal sponsorship ;-), marketing, self-promotion (to attract those sponsors), blogging/writing, video production, social media posting, branding… Continuing education through certifications and degrees to demonstrate expertise in the field of exercise science and nutrition. (Yes, part of my 10-yr plan includes a bachelor’s in kinesiology.)
All these things and I’m sure more I haven’t listed. It’s enough for a full-time job, right? Enough to keep a 60+ year old retired Sr. Enterprise Network Engineer occupied for the next 10 years?
I plan to be blogging, posting, and photographing my progress, sharing and taking everyone along with me.
Wish me luck!
