What Am I Missing?

Year of Writing essay assignment 3 (written Christmas Day 2024)

As with the previous two assignments, this one is equally challenging. Equally enlightening, too.

It’s worth noting: I might get further along in my “Living with Intent” project if I’d work consistently on these essay assignments. <sigh> I should be writing one per week, rather than one per month.

I’m starting this one on Christmas day. It is my second essay for December. However, I’ll have to withhold celebration until it’s actually completed and I get it posted. (Post date is going to determine whether or not I’ve improved over my once a month record. 😉)

I really shouldn’t have been surprised the very first thing I noted as “missing from [my] life” was about money. “Money to pursue my interests in retirement.”

I don’t want money to be such a big factor in living a satisfying and fulfilling life. It seems shallow and petty when I truly am fortunate and have a retirement annuity that is a good annual income. It’s not quite 80% of the Texas median household income, but it’s more than the household income of at least four other states. And my health insurance is provided.

“I was so spoiled,” I find myself saying a lot these days. The last year I worked, my annual income was 153% of the then median household income. My mortgage, HOA fees, insurance, and taxes combined were less than most people were paying for rent. I did what I wanted to do, used all the personal services I wanted, and bought pretty much anything I wanted, no second thoughts. Fortunately, I don’t have expensive tastes and don’t need things for status. But…I did like my “conveniences” and pursuing my hobbies.

Door Dash, all the streaming–video and music, money for gas and lodging to drive where I wanted, whatever race registrations I was interested in–regardless of whether or not I actually did the race. Weekly sports massage, Pilates, yoga, chiropractic care (which included a second weekly sports massage), personal trainers, running group and coaches… Yes, soooo spoiled.

Now I’m canceling streaming subscriptions that are as little as $10 a month, switching cellular providers, refinancing loans, anything and everything to get my monthly cost of living down. The recent starter replacement in my truck meant canceling a month of camping reservations even though my extended warranty had only a $200 deductible.

I know I’m fortunate, particularly in light of the experiences some family and friends are going through right now. I want to develop a sense of gratitude for what I do have and make my lifestyle fit within my means. To do that, I have to let go of my past life and embrace my future.

I just realized “gratitude” was not in my list of things “missing.” Or one of the core values I selected to list. I’m adding that now. It’s something I know will benefit me to cultivate.

A few years back I read a book by Janice Kaplan titled The Gratitude Diaries: How a Year of Looking on the Bright Side Can Transform Your Life. I very much appreciated the message and have been working to cultivate my own gratitude in life. I even bought a gratitude journal. But, as is my pattern with so many “projects, I’ve only taken it out at infrequent times and managing only a couple of journal entries before it would sit neglected again.

I think a re-read of this book and a gratitude practice needs to be something I incorporate regularly going forward. Once a week summary on the weekends to start, maybe?

Other things among that first stab at listing what’s missing: friends (a partner?), direction, discipline, independence, and appreciation. Appreciation is almost interchangeable with gratitude, right? Maybe I included the essence of gratitude after all.

Friends. My tribe. That’s been one of the things I’ve missed most, particularly since relocating to rural Texas.

As I’ve acknowledged many times before, the social anxiety disorder I’ve struggled with for most of my life set limits on what I could or would do. After many years of therapy, both professional and self-guided, I suffer very few symptoms of the disorder today. However, there remains fragments and aspects of it today that curtail my life experiences.

I still struggle with vulnerability, which is a HUGE hindrance to meeting someone with whom I might form a long-term relationship. I mention this with a life-partner in mind, but the truth is, it also hinders my ability to make new friends. Even simple acquaintances with shared interests with whom I might travel or “adventure” with.

Ideally, I could be a solo adventurer/traveler. Experience has shown me, however, I don’t truly enjoy the experience if I don’t have someone to share in it with me. At this point, I’ve taken quite a few trips by myself, including traveling and flying solo to participate in the Palo Duro Trail Run at one of my most favorites parks in Texas. In that instance, as well as almost every other, I spend more time alone in my lodging than I do out exploring or meeting and interacting with people.

As I progressed through the prompts for this essay, it became obvious that the missing partner/friends is one of the most dominate desires. Athletic success in trail running, aka “ultras,” also showed up in the response to the same prompt. That one feels like it carries almost equal weight as expanding interpersonal relations.

“Why do you think this thing is missing?” From this next prompt, it is equally obvious that I still have work to do to further develop my social competencies and emotional intelligence in order to counter those lingering, “resistant to treatment,” symptoms of social anxiety. Fear of vulnerability, of embarrassment, of feeling and expressing strong emotions, these are the most prominent. I’ve had 50+ years¹ to perfect my avoidance behavior around experiencing these in my life.

The last half of the essay prompts drilled down on specifics. Do I feel connected to the world? When did I feel most connected? Consistency of values learned in childhood? What are my core values? How well am I living these values? Do I feel I’m on the right path? What is my “right” path? Am I what’s missing from my best life? Do I spend time reflecting inward on what’s important to me rather than letting the world pull me outside myself?

Now those questions will get you thinking. Having to define my goals was an interesting exercise. I found I couldn’t immediately name them and had to use the suggestion of a “values list” internet search to help me identify and define them. I also found several that were among my values, but were largely missing from my day-to-day living: Community, Service, Spirituality, Contribution, and Meaningful Work.

I can’t help noting the theme of these: What I do for others.

A good friend told me quite a while ago, I should look for opportunities of service. She felt it would help me find balance and happiness in my life. I’ve never forgotten the recommendation, but also never put myself out there to find the opportunities.

My “service” usually came in the form of charitable contributions. Such as donating my $500 Coronavirus tax relief payment to Feeding America. (I was one of the fortunate few that could continue working full-time, albeit remotely.)

This wasn’t the type of “service” she had in mind, I know. Yet, I couldn’t get over my anxiety of the unknown and making myself accessible (vulnerable?) to a group of people. Obviously, I didn’t trust myself to set boundaries, nor to handle the emotions that would likely arise when interacting with a community in need. “Unhelpful thoughts” are what these are often referred to in mental health treatments.

Along with the list of values I found on the Internet, I also came upon the concept of an Annual Integrity Report. This from an author I admire, James Clear, who wrote Atomic Habits. (That’s another book I need to revisit in 2025.)

The concept of an integrity report fits in with my self-assessment of how I’m living my life, as well as identifying and defining how I want to be living my life. It gets added to the to-do list.

This exercise has helped me identify where to start: gratitude, service, integrity. Now to move forward into 2025 pursuing and cultivating those and the other values I identified for myself. I’ll keep you posted!

1. Estimating my shyness started affecting me around the time my family moved from the suburbs of Houston to rural East Texas. Life was vastly different there for my 12 year old self. Neighbor’s houses at a quarter mile distance, and only two at that. No kids my age, no neighborhood group of friends, period. School was K-12 on the same campus and the people, including their kids, were “clique-ish.” Strangers weren’t readily accepted. The first psychologist I ever saw (in my late 30s) labeled that period in my life as “when you shutdown.” ↩︎